While
watching an episode of 25 Words or Less, the celebrity
giving the clues chose words that were not successful. Trying to get the
contestants to say the word “entrance”, he offered, “threshold.” My choice would
have been “not exit.” He did this several times throughout the rounds and his
team was beaten. Badly. Yet Meredith Vieira praised him with, “You did a great
job!”
“No,
he didn't!” I said out loud.
It’s
time we normalized not doing a great job. I'm not saying encourage people to do
poorly. Most of us want to be better at things as opposed to worse. But
sometimes we just don't hit the mark. And instead of gaslighting people by
telling them they did a great job what if we just laughed at the fact that we
all screw up sometimes?
Meredith’s
seemingly innocent remark is a reflection of the participation trophy era, which
has stolen our ability to laugh at ourselves and further anchored shame as the
consequence for not “succeeding.”
When
we started giving kids prizes just for showing up, no one considered the impact.
In an effort to be inclusive, this trend inadvertently strengthened the
tradition of using shame as a motivational tool in a culture awash in
capitalism, extreme religion, and white patriarchy. Shame is the most intense
soul eating emotion a human can experience. We will do anything to avoid it.
That’s why it’s the punishment for not capitulating.
Capitalism
tells us that if we don't produce, if we don't create the maximum number of
widgets we’re capable of, that we should be embarrassed, ashamed, and feel bad
about ourselves. Those of us who have gone against the tenets of capitalism by
pursuing passions that feel good often end up poor, which comes with its own
rainbow of shame. Monetizing everything, even hobbies once engaged in solely for
pleasure, has become de rigueur and when it doesn’t
produce the intended revenue it, too, is a source of shame. This has created a
transactional world with little room for transformative experiences.
Extreme
religion uses shame as currency. Obey our rules or not only will you be shunned
and possibly excommunicated from the community, you’ll burn in hell. Shame is a
powerful motivation to show up for services every Sunday and put a check in the
basket. Sure, there is Divine Forgiveness, but only if you return to the rules.
While I don’t endorse murder or adultery, I can’t imagine any system that starts
with me being “bad” and “unworthy” and “unsaveable” unless I capitulate
completely to a finite list of rules being anything other than
manipulative.
White
patriarchy dictates that if we don’t obey the laws of the hierarchy punishment
is inevitable. And with it comes a boatload of shame. You’re a woman not
satisfied with your rung on the ladder and vocal about your displeasure and
desires? You must be hysterical, a term rooted in the Greek word for uterus that
was only eliminated as an official psychiatric diagnosis in 1980 and was often
grounds for being committed to a mental hospital. You’re a black man angry and
frustrated with the way the world treats you? Obviously, you’re schizophrenic
and require psychotropic medication to “calm” you down. Your skin being darker,
your eyes being more almond shaped means you’re just not as valuable and
bone-crushing shame that accompanies feeling less than keeps you in your place.
Shame
is the flower that blooms from the seed of fear. And the fear of failing robs us
of our humanity. It increases the drive for perfectionism, which is a
debilitating addiction that causes so much strife and damage to
self-esteem.
What
would happen if your kid struck out in their little league game and instead of
making them feel bad that they were the third out with two runners on base, you
laughed about it and said, “Yep. Sometimes that happens.” Responding with a
silent groan while quietly mumbling about how there were two players left on
base and it cost you the game causes a kid to hang their head and shame and feel
bad about themselves for the rest of the day. And if you think it ends with the
dawn of a new morning, you're wrong.
Because
those kinds of experiences are like being flayed with piano wire.
You
might not feel it that badly the first time but when it's repeated over and
over, it ends up creating a bloody mess. If we were able to laugh at ourselves
when we don't do as well as we would like to, it would remove the power of
unfulfilled expectations from those who still choose to carry them. It would let
us know that we're human and that nobody is at a hundred percent one hundred
percent of the time.
In
my first sales job, I competed with the five men on my sales team for
acknowledgment and recognition. I took work home with me and invested time in
the evenings and on the weekends to make sure everything I did was examined
multiple times in an effort to be perfect. Eventually it burned me out.
When
I finally reached the edge of breakdown, my national sales manager solemnly told
me, “You’ve got to ease up, Staci. Even a thoroughbred doesn’t race every day.”
Ironic when it was he who levied the expectation.
But
it was me who accepted it.
The
expectations we place on ourselves we project onto others, expecting them to be
perfect when we can't do it ourselves. And it causes real damage to our quality
of life and the ability to bounce back when we don't hit the mark.
I
say let's normalize screw ups. Let's laugh at them. Let's commiserate and sit
with each other in all of the emotions – disappointment, frustration, anger and
eventually the absurdity of expecting perfections – and watch fear and shame
dissipate into the illusion they are. It’s the most rebellious and healing
choice you can make.
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