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I
once knew a Gestalt Therapist, a type
of therapy that emphasizes accountability and presence as necessary
components for healing.
During
one of our conversations about a mutual friend who was in rehab, Bev laughed and
shook her head. “Everyone thinks the biggest addiction problem in this country
is drugs and alcohol when it’s really the addiction to victimhood.”
No
one wants to admit they behave like a victim. In fact, the ones who deny it the
loudest are often the ones who suffer from it the deepest. What most don’t
realize is that the victim mentality is such an insidious thread in our culture,
so accepted and normalized, that if someone were arrested for being a victim
they would probably be acquitted by a jury of their peers.
“Come
on, staci!” you say. “I don’t act like a victim.” I hear you. But how often do
you say things like this?
Why
me?
I
deserve a better car, a bigger bank account, a
more stable career.
Not
again!
Can’t
they get a simple order right? (This applies to anything from Instacart to fine
dining)
That’s
not fair.
I
did everything the right way - I deserved that
promotion, apartment, mortgage, etc.
I’m
stuck in this crappy job, lousy house, bad relationship, and it’s “their”
fault.
What’s
the point of trying? Nothing ever works out for me.
Every
time I turn around, it’s something else.
THEY
(immigrants, Republicans, Democrats, Muslims, Jews) are the reason I don’t have
a nicer house, a better job, a healthier relationship, etc.
I’m
tired of being taken advantage of.
No
one wants to help me, be around me, cares about me.
Why
didn’t s/he answer my text, email, phone message?
This
is a truncated list, but you get the idea.
Irritation
flairs are a part of life. Especially now with the world changing at rapid speed
and all of us expected to keep up with it. We are required to adjust and pivot
every day. From technology glitches and finding ways to mitigate the the damage
caused by systemic oppression to dealing with an economy that still hasn’t
righted itself from COVID and the deterioration of the healthcare system our
nervous systems are overwhelmed. Our patience limited.
It’s
normal to put a toe over the border into the victimhood sometimes.
The
problem begins when you decide to hang out, and our culture makes it easy to
establish residency. The capitalist tenets of if you work hard, are
efficient, and produce as much as you can, you’ll have all you need,
are like an “Open Sesame” incantation that raises the gate at the edge of
victimhood so you can move right in.
That
neighborhood is filled with people who still believe in the American Dream and
are furious they haven’t gotten their piece of it yet. They don’t see it for
what it is, a trap designed to accelerate consumerism and supply the labor for
others to get rich. From the steel mills and coal mines of the past to the
offices and banks of the present, it is only the ones at the top who’ve even
glimpsed the perimeter of the American Dream sold as the antidote to misery and
poverty.
This
dynamic of believing in the American dream and watching others ostensibly
achieve it while you still hustle to pay the bills and go without comforts
leaves many feeling like victims. Allowing that narrative, and the promise of
its benefits, to leech into your belief system breeds resentment and anger. It
makes us turn on each other because capitalism encourages us to see everyone as
competitors, not collaborators. It fertilizes the fear that there isn’t enough
for everyone and causes us to shut out those who are most in need, despite
sometimes following a religion that instructs otherwise.
The
virus of being a victim is something Donald Trump knows how to exploit. From
claims that he’s being targeted because of sanctions for violating gag orders to
blaming those accusing him of extortion for extorting him, Trump has claimed the
office of Mayor of the Victimhood.
He
spends half his life asserting he’s a victim and the other half proving he
isn’t.
This
see-saw of “Look at me, I’m a victim-Look at me, I’m not” is the hallmark of his
entire career. And it is something that millions resonate with deeply. Americans
are being forced every day to make choices between food and medication. To pay
for a parent to live in a clean nursing home or settle the electric bill. People
are tired of making Kobyashi Maru-level decisions and are looking for someone to
blame and Trump offers up everyone from immigrants to Biden as sacrificial lambs
to explain their suffering. All while swimming in the swamp he claimed he would
drain.
This
resonance with victimhood could very well get him over the finish line in
November. Being a resident of the Victimhood garners you attention, sympathy,
and pity. For some this feels like love and connection, which every human being
needs. It’s a poor substitute for the real thing but when you believe you’re a
victim, you don’t know you’re worthy of better.
At
this point, all each of us can do is decide whether we’re going to be victims in
our own lives. This
starts with recognizing when we’re behaving like victims and making different
choices, despite the voices in our head convincing us how much easier it is to
blame others for where we stand.
It’s
challenging, but when you take responsibility for your life - all of it, not
just the parts you like - it alchemizes fear and anger and empowers you to see
things in a new way, which leads to choices you wouldn’t have made before. The
mirror is always and forever your only best friend, so regardless of politics,
you can make the world a better place by owning your choices and behavior.
Victimhood
is the lifeblood of Trump’s power. The choice to align with that is ultimately
more powerful than any vote.
P.S.
This essay is in no way an endorsement for any candidate, just my observations
on why one of them continues to be so popular.
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